2B or not 2B 500?

Parting Glances

Then & Now

For curious reasons of church-sponsored, right-wing endorsed, myopic-enduced vision, some wilting violet types don't want to be, or want to remain, gay. (There's no accounting for bad taste.)

It appears to me (20/20) going straight's no rose garden, given so much available access to internet FTD (free to deflower) same-sex "rose bud" delivery, enticing online high-resolution outdoor, indoor pixals, and YouTube, X-Tube, Facebook landscaping.

Oh, to be young again! As Alice in Wonderland says: It all gets curiouser and curiouser. (And, adds this feisty old Red Queen, Off with their heads!)

I find the Ex-gayola narrow stance - and publicity wide one - in the long run mostly affects Hell-bullied fundygelicals. (I, myself, live my life delightfully attuned to my brain's same-sex DNA synapses, playful childhood Nature vs. Nurturing instincts, teenage amatory, fumble about in the garage, experiences, and adult bar hopping, petal plucking, come ons.)

That I'm teeter-tottering on the brink of senescence is neither here nor there, neither up nor down, neither top nor bottom. (As my sainted mom advised when I turned 3 9 for the second, third, or fourth go around, "Enjoy yourself. Who gives a gosh darnation if you're not really a bona fide 39 stud muffin?")

I've my own take on why those not in their honest-to-God-gay dar amygdala would chose to go "the other way," (especially given this country's sky rocketing divorce rate and daily trough feeding of TV reality squabbles, refereed by the likes of Judge Judy, whose yearly salary is in the $6 million-plus ballpark. And she's permanently benched.)

Yes, in spite of too many you' ve-got-to-be-kidding-me examples of straight role modeling (and mentally sclerotic, tithe-to-my-bank-account TV preachers who occasionally get caught with their hand in the ATM nookie jar), there are some who feel the grass - second syllable underlined - is greener on the other side.

It tain't. Too much fertilizer. Too many dandelions. Not enough daisy chains.

If you know somebody who's paying high fees for fundygelical power mowing, give him a copy of "500 Fun Things to Do Before Going Straight," by Garland-Lane Garp (Boner & Nightshade Press, 2009).

Garp sampling: "God bless you for hoping to go straight. No copout bisexuality for you. Just the basic Adam & Eve fig-leaf hanky panky. But be sure that's what YOU want - not what your hallelujah drill sarge wants, not what your nagging mom worrying about grandkids wants, not what your neighborhood paperboy wants.

"Yes, give yourself lotsa time - say 10 years - before tip-toeing down the primrose path. (It'll take that long to Ex-gay wilt away, anyway.)

"Being straight's not all it's cracked up to be. (Smoked or poked.) There's nerdy in-laws, testy nights of 'The only oral I like is Roberts, Buster,' countless, ugh! throw-away diapers, dozens of parental alphabivouacking with hormonal kids, and annual butt-whacking football games to feign yardage by yardage, tight-end, macho interest in."

My favorite 500 Fun Things to Do includes: Learn A Kick Boxing Dance Routine (It helps!); Bake a Prize-Winning Kiwi Lime Pie; Join an Over 21 Shake-and-Bake Cookie Club; Sing Alto in a Gay Men's Chorus; Knit a Rainbow Cumber Bun; Attend a Farewell Cher Concert in Redneck City, America; and, Visit Oscar Wilde's Tomb in Gay Paree, for a Belated, Have a Blessed 'Comme Ca' Day.

"The Gospel truth," according Garland-Lane Garp - who says he's a proud second-generation, Botox-free Metro sexual - "is that life's a beach. It tides you in, blows you out. Straight, gay, in between, you'll get crabs in your docking space soon enough. Numero 500! When all else fails, pad your swim trunks. And pray for your luck to change."

[Sidebar]

I, myself, live my life delightfully attuned to my brain's same-sex DNA synapses...

[Author Affiliation]

Charles@pridesource.com